Disclaimer: the following text was generated by ChatGPT, asking it to re-interpret the UCEA Guide to Negotiations but in TRUMP! Style. No copyright claims are made here, and the text should be understood as a parody.

  
  UCEA Guide to Negotiations in Higher Education: Trump Style
  Background and Introduction
  Folks, let me tell you, this guide, the UCEA Guide to Negotiations in Higher Education, it’s YUGE! Tremendous! Believe me, nobody has seen a guide like this. It’s got all the best information, the best advice for our fantastic universities. We consulted everyone, the best people, during 2007-08. And guess what? We found that collective, national negotiations are the way to go. Big league negotiations, people! We want everyone to opt-in, no ambiguity, just clear, strong commitments.
  
  The Code for Participating HEIs
  Now, let’s talk about the code. The code, it’s beautiful. Three key elements, and they’re the best, believe me.
  
  Consultation
  
  Stage 1: We start with the best information, the finest, all the key issues sent out to our top universities and sector groups. It’s tremendous.
  Stage 2: Then, face-to-face consultations. That’s right, face-to-face! We talk, we refine, we identify regional issues. It’s a beautiful thing.
  Stage 3: Final confirmation. We ask, are you in or are you out? If you’re in, you shape the negotiating mandate. It’s like making the best deal, the art of the deal!
  Communications
  
  The communications, folks, they’re top-notch. We set up the best arrangements, internal and external. Everyone’s on the same page, all united. Tremendous unity!
  Management of Industrial Disputes
  
  Industrial disputes? We handle them like a boss. A common strategic framework, clear statements, and a policy on withholding pay. No partial performance, folks. Pay will be withheld if there’s any industrial action. We’re tough, but fair. Very fair.
  Involving Stakeholders
  We involve everyone, folks. The timetable, the procedures, all agreed for New JNCHES. Planning, decision making, it’s all there. We want support from the governing body, senior management, middle management. Everyone’s on board. Trade unions, we ask the tough questions, the best questions. We build partnerships. It’s fantastic.
  
  Final Notes
  This guide, it’s the best guide, folks. Believe me, it’s going to make negotiations in higher education great again. Tremendous success, big league unity, and the best deals. You’re gonna love it.
  
  © UCEA 29 September 2008
  
  Thank you, thank you very much!